I got a call from a bill collector this morning. It doesn't matter which one, they all sound the same.

"Mr. Jones, we have not received the payment you promised us."

"Well, there's a good reason for that. I have not sent it!"

" Mr. Jones, if you do not get us a payment in here today, we're going to have to put this non-compliance on your credit report."

" Well, you'll have to put it on page 5, because the first 4 pages are full."

"Don't you have family members you can borrow the money from?"

"ME? Borrow money? Isn't that the reason that YOU'RE calling?"

I find it quite hilarious that they expect me to keep my promises. They are obviously pretty slow learners. When will they figure out that the only time that I tell them a lie is when they call my house?

I mean, it should be obvious to them that I am not gong to keep my promises, or my account would not be in collections, anyway.

I've always wondered a few things. What are these people like when they are away from their jobs?

What major do you declare when you want to be a bill collector? How many kids have you seen that want to be a bill collector when they grow up?

Bill collectors have to be a distinctly different breed. I wonder if they sit around laughing at the lies I tell them, or if they really believe that the check is in the mail. If they really believe that stuff...

What would it be like to be the employee of the month at a collection agency?

Would the announcement go something like "Ladies and Gentlemen, absolutely the most annoying person in the office this month is John Doe! Hey John, your check is in the mail."

Is it these people's jobs to collect money, or just to get on your nerves? If they actually aim to collect money, I can be helpful to them. The first thing they should do is call somebody that has some. When you call my house looking for money, you have dialed the wrong number.

I got one call the other day. His line of questioning went like this: "Mr. Jones, you have not sent us a payment since May of 1990. What are you waiting on?"?

"Well, when I first stopped making payments, I was waiting to find a job. Now I'm just waiting on 7 years. I'm sure you understand."

I like to play games with the bill collectors. Since it is pointless to tell them a lie, (A side note. As long as you lie to them, they keep calling back.) I just try to send them on a wild goose chase. I might tell him something like "Ray is at work, Do you want his work number?" They always get excited and say yes, and then I give them the time and temperature number.

A second reponse is to tell them that Ray moved, but I have his new number. I then either give them a number that I know is disconnected, or I may just make up a number. Usually, it's a disconnected number. Bill collectors don't deserve the opportunity to talk to real people.

If that one doesn't work, I ask if they want Ray Jones Sr. of Jr. Since there's only one Ray Jones, they're always going to guess wrong, and the one that they are looking for is dead or in jail.

Really, it's nothing personal. I know that everyone has to have a job, but I could not rest if my job description was "Be annoying."

I've got a little cousin that's going to be a bill collector. She has all of the personality traits. She's irritating, naive, persistent, friendless, nosy, and a real glutton for punishment. She called me the other day to ask if I was going to give her money for making good grades on her report card. I told her I had sent her a check.....

About Ray Jones

Ray Jones is taking the comedy world by storm with his rapid-fire style of clean comedy. A native Huntsvillian, Ray Grew up learning what life was like on the rough side. Fortunately for all that have heard him perform, he lived to tell about it. He has emerged from the rough side with an unparalleled ability to attack your funny bone.

Ray began his comedy career by winning the Certs U.S. College Comedy Competition at Auburn University in 1990 and 1991. He also won the Toastmasters International Humorous Speech Contest in 1995.

Ray has performed with such heralded comedians as T.P. Hearn, Killer Beaz, Leslie Norris, Todd Yohn, Spike Davis, Henry Welch, Lavell Crawford, Terry Cope, Ron Feingold, And Allen "Raw Dawg" Rawls

Ray Jones is a rising star in the world of comedy, and has not had to compromise his strong Christian values to pursue the life of an entertainer. Quoting one line from one of his scenes "The day that I gave my life to God, That was all I could afford to give him."

Ray Jones will soon be at a Comedy club near you, bringing to you his "Clean Comedy From The Rough Side."

Ray's Home page is at Http://members.aol.com/RayJonz/comic.html