From My Side Of The Mountain

By Lee Cropp

There are faint whispers of pending doom. It seems that somebody read somewhere, probably in a supermarket wonder tabloid, that a comet has been discovered on a near collision course with our humble abode, the only known blue planet in the universe-Earth.

Of course when the possibility was first reported by an obscure Malaysian comet hunter, the prediction was that the celestial dirty snowball, which is all a comet really is, was on direct course to smear earth like we were in a grade-school snow fight.

This naturally led to some very inventive headlines like, HUMAN RACE FACES SAME FATE AS THE DINOSAURS or THE EARTH DUE TO BE KNOCKED INTO FRIGID DEEP OUTER SPACE or HUMAN RACE DOOMED again.

It is intriguing to speculate on what the reactions of some of the United States’ denominations and political parties would be if such an event was well on its way to occurring with or without an ear ringing bang.

First, lets speculate about actions various religious groups would take:

Roman Catholic–The College of Cardinals would ask the Pope to bring the problem up with the Boss. The next level of bureaucracy would start negotiating with the European Space Agency to develop a space vehicle to anoint the comet’s head just to be sure all angles are covered.

Southern Baptist–Strongly direct Congress to pass a constitutional amendment to allow prayer in all observatories; concurrently, institute a boycott of NASA. .

Presbyterians–Form a committee to nominate a committee to select a commission to consider the members to be on a steering group to decide what to do.

Methodists–Half the parishes would petition the bishop to assign new pastors so they would have the best ecclesiastical leadership during the crisis; the other half would petition the bishop to keep their pastors so they would have the best ecclesiastical leadership during the crisis.

Jewish–Search their scriptures to find the prophet that foretold this earthshaking event, and what he said to do in preparation.

Moslems–Try to determine how the Jews hid this event from them. They would also ask that the comet hit Israel. That would be better than hitting Iran, Jordan, or Iraq.

Pentecostals–Search for a translator who can translate all the speaking-in-tongues that is going on. This should give them a clue to something.

New Agers–Madly search for a spirit guide from the future. There isn’t much they can do, but it would be nice to know how it ends.

Zen Buddhists–Nothing, because it is going to happen anyways.

Now let’s consider our politicians and/or candidates:

Democrats–Create a special Congressional committee to determine how the Government can best solve the problem and for how much. Award the funds to the biggest industrial contributor to the most appropriate PAC.

Republicans–Call for proposals from Industry on how to solve the problem and for how much. Congress would then decide which proposal is best and then award the funds to the biggest industrial contributor to the most appropriate PAC.

Perotites–As soon as Ross decides.

Wayne Parker–Contact his father-in-law, who would ask NASA to direct the Johnson Space Center, Houston, TX to develop a manned space system to destroy the comet .

Bud Cramer–Contact the NASA Administrator and strongly suggest that the Marshall Space Flight Center, Huntsville, AL be directed to develop a launch system to destroy the comet.

Jeffery Beauregard Sessions–Promise to use the cost-conscience American private industry to develop a solution and provide jobs for hard working, over-taxed American citizens. But then he will announce that, after studying the law closer, he realizes that only NASA can legally direct the course. He will withdraw from any other approach.

Rodger Bedford–Doesn’t care who does the work as long as family values are protected, the bad folks in Washington are pitched out, there is no gold plating, the trial lawyers approve, and there are good odds on which ever way you want to bet. Luckily, the last time I looked there wasn’t any comet coming this close. And I use the work “luckily” with great advisement.